Anti-Christ Reverse Engineers Wine into Water
By David Wilson
April 30, 2010
Leipzig, Germany - “Did it for kicks,” was what the hand-written note read found in what can only be described as a part wine cellar, part dungeon underneath a debunct pool hall in Leipzig, Germany. Worldwide rumors circulating about the world’s first official Anti-Christ started circulating in 2002 but authorities believe they have discovered the actual Anti-Christ, Klaus Shölenborg, currently being held as the prime suspect.
Shölenborg allegedly created a complex laboratory specifically designed to reverse engineer red wine into water. While the space Shölenborg used was primitive at best, his elaborate set up comprised of air compressors, used vacuum parts, Pyrex beakers, and sacrificial burnt lemur heads in order to convert his personal stock of 666 bottles of Beaujoulais Merlot back into water.
Shölenborg allegedly created a complex laboratory specifically designed to reverse engineer red wine into water. While the space Shölenborg used was primitive at best, his elaborate set up comprised of air compressors, used vacuum parts, Pyrex beakers, and sacrificial burnt lemur heads in order to convert his personal stock of 666 bottles of Beaujoulais Merlot back into water.
According to water experts who tested it for purity, the results were astonishing. “Makes Evian taste like toilet water,” said Dorvek Lanz, the lead scientist on the investigation.
This underground lab was described as a concrete dungeon with a pungent musky smell that could only be describe as ‘fresh cut green grass with a twist of accidental cut lawn rat’. While it’s not technically illegal to convert wine into water, it is highly discouraged. Shölenborg who admittedly calls himself ‘the Anti-Christ” faces one charge of sacrificing lemurs in a public place and one Christian group is pushing for the death penalty citing a public execution by hanging of Ferdinand Franzenshuz in 1507 for claiming that Christ spread small pox.
“Defaming Christ is an act of defiance to the Church and our people and should result in Shölenborg’s death,” said one of the Christian group’s members.
When authorities asked Shölenborg how he’d like to be executed in the event of a trial and harsh sentence, he simply replied, “First, I’d chug a little of my fantastic water, slosh it around for a bit and then I’d let the city of Leipzig have their choice. I simply ask that instead of cremation that they consider having my body fossilized. I think that’d be pretty damn original.”
No word on what Shölenborg’s next move will be but in a diary found in the laboratory extensive plans outlining an attempt to walk on water, blind-folded, with ankle weights on was allegedly written out in detail.
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